Interactive Akatsuki Therapy
by Suffocated Entity
Summary: Have you ever been told you need to see a proffesional to cure your case of crazies? Well, if so, today is your lucky day! The Akatsuki are here to solve your problems!...Or make them much, much worse. INTERACTIVE CRACKFIC ON HIATUS
1. Opening Day

**Well, I decided that since my first story is undergoing a few changes, I will start an Akatsuki crackfic to pass the time.**

**This story is called, "Akatsuki Therapy", and it is interactive. You probably know by now, but if you are confused on the topic, the Akatsuki are serving as therapists so if you have a dilemma, come see them!**

**Here are the rules:**

**1) No anonymous reviews. It could be the same person over and over, I want everyone to get a chance to solve their emotional problems... :)**

**2) In a review, you must tell me a description of yourself or your alter ego, your problem you want to be resolved, and if you want a specific member to help you. If you don't provide me with this information, I cannot include you in this fic. I apologize, but it must be done.**

**3) Your problem can be anything, whether it be family issues, friendship/sexual problems, or your seeing Jesus partying with walruses in your basement. If you actually are experiencing the third example, please ask the Akatsuki AND a proffessional.**

**4) It's CRACK! Don't take it seriously!**

**5) Have fun with it! :)**

Akatsuki Therapy

0000000000000000000000000000000000000

"This is so gay...seriously," Hidan mumbled, leaning back into one of the many reclining chairs decorating the room. The silver-haired masochist began to lightly caress the plush material, his fingers tickled by the midnight fabric.

"Hidan, please. This is for the good of the Akatsuki. Besides, you were the one who landed us here anyway, so shut up and eat your pudding," Pein replied, fidgeting uncontrollably in his own recliner. His fiery hair color looking abstract from the plain, white washed walls.

"Yeah! If anything, your gay, un!" Deidara sneered obnoxiously, his blue eyes twinkling with rage.

"Screw you, bitch! At least I'm not the one fucking a puppet!"

Hidan stretched out his arms, flipping the Hidden Rock Ninja off in the process.

"Am not..."

Deidara pouted, flipping his blond hair so it splayed over the front of his... doctor's coat?

Every member was dressed in therapist get-up. It was a long story, but with Hidan here, he took the time in between his rituals and shortened it for us.

He fucking bought virgins, used all the fucking Akatsuki's money, and now they had to be cocksucking therapists to earn their shit back. Those bitches weren't even worth the shit they cost. THE FUCKING END.

Well, and that they were sitting in a senior center that smelled like old people, tapioca pudding and Listerine. Plus, you couldn't forget Tobi's sign on the door that said, "TheRe Uh Pee" in bright magic markers. Nobody even bothered with it, it wasn't like someone was going to use it as blackmail against them. They have done much worse shit other than Tobi's case of retardation.

"I mean what the hell, Leader? Why the fuck are we therapists! If you split the word up, you get 'the rapist' for Jashin's sake!"

"Only you would notice that..." Kisame shifted closer to Itachi, afraid that the priest might kick his ass for his comment. Itachi was the fish's safety zone; if the Uchiha saw a soul harming the fish, they DIED. Simple as that.

"It was the only job that could meet our budget," Pein sighed.

He then started to guzzle down his oatmeal mixed with powdered Nyquil. For all the trouble it took for them to scare the shit out of the senior citizens, the elderly supplied the group with oatmeal and prune juice. That and free drugs. Mmm... Peptobismol.

"Why not try armed robbery?" We're like, S-class criminal's for God's sake!" Konan huffed out a fustrated breath.

Unlike the others, she was dressed in a rather slutty nurse's costume thanks to Pein. Her costume consisted of a pair of white fishnets, the white coat, and a little stethoscope painted pink. All six Peins had agreed it was the perfect outfit for Konan.

"Konan? Don't you remember what happened the last time we tried armed robbery? How can you forget The Akatsuki Barbeque War?"

Kisame paled, his eyes dilating with fear.

"So...much...buttered rolls...and, and... dead foxes... Why the steak sauce, why?"

Sasori gave the dyke (I mean woman) a questioning look. She just looked back giving one with equal confusion.

"Sasori-sempai! Don't you remember? Konan-chan was in Miami when it happened!" Tobi giggled wildly, kicking his legs in the air, managing to knock out a nurse in the process.

"Oh yeah... wait! Why the hell didn't we go to Miami? What, we aren't fucking good enough for the beach?"

Sasori had a classic anime vein pop on his forehead. His face going chibi-mad. Fangirls took pictures from the windows.

Konan laughed nervously at Sasori's outburst. "Trust me, Pinocchio, you did not want to be there."

"Well, it would of been better than watching Zetsu eat children alive at poor Timmy's sixth birthday! What is wrong with you Leader-sama? What's your problem?"

"He hates you."

The masked man was quietly sipping his prune juice while he totaled paychecks in the other.

The first thing Kakuzu said all day happened to be an insult to the Suna puppet.

No one likes a pissed off puppet at 7:00 am... on a Saturday.

Especially on a Saturday...

While the puppet beat the shit out of the eldest member, a small, elderly man leaned over to Hidan. He poked Hidan's shoulder with a boney finger continuously until the Jashinist faced him.

"What, you fucking dirtbag!?"

Hidan glared at the old man with his pink eyes. The man would have been deemed "cute" by younger people, but since Hidan was Hidan, he labeled all old people as "Wrinkly Fucks."

"You gonna finish your pudding? Ya know, it's Grazilda's day to make the pudding. That youngin' makes the best tapioca. Back in my day, we had to walk ten miles in the rain just to get some tapioca as fine as--"

He was interrupted when Hidan's bowl smacked into his head, tapioca smeared all over his pale face.

"..."

"Go fuck yourself."

00000000000000000000000000

It was now 9:00, Akatsuki Therapy had opened for business... two hours ago.

All the Akatsuki were pissed beyond belief. Grazilda had run out of pudding, the coffee was cold and Tobi was talking to the old people.

It wasn't working out too well with Tobi.

"That's how Deidara-sempai taught Tobi how to tie his left shoe!"

Two old women sat at Tobi's side; their faces sagged in complete confusion.

Wait, no. It was the wrinkles. Stupid geezers.

"Anne-Darvis? The watchamacallit wants to sell us what?"

Anne-Darvis was asleep, drooling over her bib.

An even wrinklier old man leaned towards Tobi, a scowl on his face.

"Where's your face?"

"Huh?" Tobi adorably cocked his head to the side.

"My face is here, silly!"

Tobi tapped his mask, the material clicking at the touch. The guy just slitted his eyes to a further degree, deciding to shake his ancient finger in the Akatsuki member's face.

"I dun like you. You remind me of Hitler, George Bush, and canned bread. Your face, where's the rest of it?"

The old man, his name is Ebenezer but that's not important, decided to poke Tobi in the eye hole.

After a while, Tobi realized that the man was poking out his eye.

"Ouch! Deidara-sempai help Tobi!"

Tobi flailed his arms around, knocking out both old ladies. They fell to the floor slowly, the tapioca flying with them in the same action movie effect. When the two hit the linoleum, the bowls shattered next to them, the pudding pooling out like blood surrounding a corpse.

Deidara watched in silence. He sat there, is palm-mouth chewing on some clay he stored in his coat pocket. In the other, he was stuffing his face with Lightly Salted Lays potato chips. He was on a diet since Zetsu's white half called him fat.

Deidara wasn't fat, he was dead sexy.

So, the battle progressed against Ebenezer and Tobi. Ebenezer even went as far as to steal his fallen comrade's walker. Using the walker as a weapon, he picked it up with surprising strength and knocked Tobi unconscious.

The Good Boy fell to the ground, defeated by an old man who forgot to take his heart medication.

"Hah! Look's like the asswipe finally got it handed to him!"

Hidan was laughing his merry ass off as he watched the boy twitch and convulse on the floor, managing to coat himself in tapioca and extension cords.

No one to this day knows who the damn extension cords even belonged to. Konan guessed a toaster, but no one was too sure.

000000000000000000000000000000000000

Once everyone was conscious, had their injuries taken care of, had finished off killing the cops that were probably called by the nurses, and devoured their pudding, they returned to their previous activity of sitting and waiting for customers, which by the way was not going as successful as they hoped it would go.

For a few minutes of tranquil silence, the Akatsuki were at peace. It was one of those rare occasions that everyone was lazy enough to shut their pie holes. Even the old people present were quiet. Well, they were asleep... but my point still stands!

The wondrous atmosphere was broken when a soft jingle echoed through the air. Pein swiveled his oatmeal-coated face towards the door. In the entrance, the Akatsuki Therapist's first patient had arrived.

The entire Akatsuki, except Hidan since he was not a "panty-wearing ass licker", rang out, "Welcome to therapy! How may we further fuck up your life today?"

When they said "fuck", Tobi instead chose to substitute the profanity with a high pitched "Beep!"

Oddly enough, their very first patient was...

0000000000000000000000000000000000000

**END OF CHAPTER!**

**P.S. I would love to thank my lovely Beta Reader _daydrifter_ for making this story possible!**


	2. The First Patients

_Yay! The first ever crazy reviewer of Interactive Akatsuki Therapy is... **AmidnightWish**! Congragulations!_

_DiScLaImEr: I do not own Naruto, the Akatsuki, or Chiyo-chan's song. If I did, well, why the fuck aren't I getting paid for this?_

Akatsuki Therapy

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Oddly enough, their very first patient was... a pretty normal looking girl. Her short black bob shone in the dim light of the senior center along with milky skin. Her liquid coffee eyes flashed embarrassment as she timidly entered the room; her fluorescent painted nails clutching the therapy flyer.

The entire Akatsuki watched as the girl entered the facility. She was so pretty; she couldn't be any older than 17 years of age; what could possibly be wrong with her? She didn't have the eyes of a maniac nor was she covered in blood. What purpose did she have in this hellhole they called 'work'?

She quietly began to speak.

"Um, hi. My name is KT and I, uh, came for the therapy session... is the clinic still open?"

Pein spoke up. "Yes. Therapy just opened this morning. You're our first customer."

Pein stood up, grabbing a questionnaire sheet and pen from the coffee table next to his recliner, and walked over to KT. He handed the items to her and sat back down in his chair. KT moved to the floor and silently began to fill out the requirements.

While she did this, the members talked to each other about their first patient.

"Holy fucking Jashin! I call dibs!"

Hidan seemed to accept KT pretty easily.

"She's pretty! I wonder what products she uses to get her hair to shine like that?"

"Tobi loves her!"

"Hm... KT would be the perfect specimen for my next puppet..."

"She looks delicious... her skin is too pale..."

"She lacks hatred..."

Their comments continued while KT awkwardly stood in front of them. After a few minutes, she tapped Hidan's shoulder.

"Don't fucking touch me Kakuzu! You cheapskate homo, seriously!"

Hidan then realized that he wasn't yelling at Kakuzu but at KT instead. He quietly mumbled, "Oh fuck..."

KT had a vein pop on her head.

SLAP!

Her backhand collided with his cheek with a slappy noise. She strolled over to Pein and gave him the form. He read it silently to himself:

_**AKATSUKI THERAPY QUESTIONNAIRE**_

_**Name:** KT_

_**Age:** 17_

_**Problem**: Phobia of Wrists_

_**Therapist Pick (optional):** Hidan_

_**Do You Like Tobi's Sign?** HELL YES!_

He gave her a strange look before calling the rest back to their seats.

"Hey! Get your asses back here! Don't you make me kick Hidan's ass!"

"Fuck you, Leader-sama!"

Hidan and the rest trudged back to their recliners and sat down, all groaning in protest... except Tobi. Tobi was baking muffins with his newest old lady friend, Esme.

"Cooking is so fun! Cooking is so fun! Now it's time to take a break and see what we have done! Haha, it's ready!"

Tobi cheered as he opened the oven and pulled out... a dead cat.

"Oh, silly Tobi! That's not a muffin at all!" Tobi giggled as he threw the dead, crispy kitty out the conveniently located window behind him.

Esme started to twitch before crying out.

"MR. TWINKLES!! NO!!" Esme cupped her face with her wrinkled palms and unleashed a current of sobs and wails. Tobi patted her shoulder affectionately.

"Don't worry, Esme! No good to be sad about a bad muffin!"

She gave Tobi a horrible glare before she smacked him with a conveniently located frying pan. (Lots of conveniently located things in the center today.)

"DAMN YOU, SON!! THAT WAS THE LAST THING THAT REMINDED ME OF MY DAUGHTER, ALICE!!"

Tobi was knocked out... for the second time that morning.

Back with KT...

"OK! KT has just handed me her application. She has chosen a specific "doctor" to help her with her problem. That person is...Hidan."

Pein glanced at his subordinates to see their reactions.

"What the fuck!? She just fucking slapped me and now I have to be her therapist! Seriously, how fucked up is this?!"

Hidan was the only aggravated one, everyone else seemed happy that they didn't have to work.

"WHO'S UP FOR TWISTER?!" Deidara exclaimed as he randomly pulled out the game from behind his recliner. Everyone except Itachi rushed to Deidara asking to play.

"I shall spin the spinner...since you all don't harbor hatred strong enough for this certain job."

Itachi monotonously grabbed the spinner from the now open box and sat back down in his chair. He idly began to spin it back and forth; an amused expression gracing his features.

"Jashin Damn it!! I wanted to play fucking Twister, seriously!" Hidan whined right before Pein slapped him. Hidan unconsciously rubbed his cheek.

"That is not the proper behavior for a therapist to display to his patient, now is it Hidan?"

Hidan just kept staring blankly at him.

"Um...yes, well, you go take KT to the office for her therapy session. See you in an hour."

With that, Pein rushed quickly over to the Twister game that just began.

"What! How the hell could that heathen do this to me!?"

KT, being quite the whole time, grabbed Hidan's hand, abruptly stopping his rant. His pink eyes met her gaze in an instant.

"C'mon, Hidan! I wanna solve my problem!"

KT winked playfully as she tugged his hand a bit harder; her bracelets jingling with the gesture.

"Oh-h... Let's go then so we can wrap this shit up, seriously."

Hidan tugged her arm and led her down a hallway that opened up across the main room of the senior center.

As they walked, Hidan stole a quick glance at her.

Dibs.

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000

"Right leg on green."

"HOLY SHIT, ITACHI!! YOU CALLED THAT SEVEN TIMES ALREADY!! How the hell are you screwing this up??"

Konan was in a pissy mood since Zetsu's fly trap was in her face. Who wouldn't be pissed by that?

Itachi dropped the spinner emotionless and stood up. "Done," he declared as he walked to the bathroom in stoic silence. They swear they heard a sniffle or two.

"Dammit, Konan! Look what you did!"

Kisame untangled himself from the others limbs, earning a few "Hey"'s and "Watch the fuck where you're going"'s, and running after Itachi into the men's room.

"Shit. Who's the spinner now?"

Deidara pouted. Or at least tried to with his hand uncomfortably wedged between his legs.

No! You all are too dirty! He's not being naughty you sick freaks! Gosh...

Anyway, Zetsu then decided to be the new spinner dude since he pretty much covered the entire Twister mat.

"Left arm on red."

Body shuffling.

"Left leg on blue."

More body shuffling.

"Right leg on yellow."

"Hello?"

Stares.

All the twistering Akatsuki shifted their gazes to the entrance.

A teenage girl stood in the door. Her violet hair shone in the morning sun as well as her creamy brown eyes. Her face adorned a huge, devious grin.

"Yo! I'm here for therapy-Oh my god!"

The girl dashed to the Twister board, a predator's look in her eyes.

She was in position...then pounced.

On the receiving end of the epic glomp was everyone's favorite puppet, Sasori.

"Dammit!" Sasori yelped as he got a full-fledged fangirl attack.

"Oh Sasori! I need your help!!"

Everyone giggled as they watched the strange girl continue her vicious attack on the puppet master. Well, everyone except Deidara. He looked a bit jealous from his spot on the board.

Pein untangled his body and easily peeled her off her prey. He held her with the back of her shirt.

"Hey, bitch! You know who you fucking with? I can totally beat your ass, you pansy! Why you-"

As she continued her rant, Pein grabbed an application and hung it in front of her face.

"Fill it out if you want to be helped."

"Okies!!"

She snatched a pencil and filled it out with lightning speed. She shoved it right in Pein's face in a matter of seconds.

It read (sloppily):

_**AKATSUKI THERAPY QUESTIONNAIRE**_

_**Name:** Lauren (PurpleWolfStar)_

_**Age:** 14_

_**Problem:** I'm like in LOOOOOOOOOVEEEE with a boy two years older than me. LIKE WUT SHOULD I DO??_

_**Therapist Pick (optional):** Sasori-kun_

_**Do You Like Tobi's Sign?** Fuck Ya!_

"Everyone, we have our second patient. Her name is Lauren and she has a love issue. Her "therapist" of choice is Sasori."

Sasori moaned aloud as she dragged him to towards Pein.

"Where do we have therapy?"

She innocently gazed up a Pein; her brown eyes shimmering with happiness.

"Datta way."

Pein pointed towards the same hallway Hidan and KT traveled down. Lauren grinned as she started to drag Sasori down the hallway.

Sasori mouthed a quick 'help me' to Deidara. Deidara gave him a sad look and bit his lip as he watched his danna being dragged to his puppet doom.

0000000000000000000000000000000000000

"So Hidan-chan, I have a phobia of wrists. I was hoping that I may overcome my weakness if I talked to you about it. Since you're a masochist, you probably hurt your wrists at one point, right?"

"Yah, seriously."

"So yeah... I was hoping you could help me..."

KT blushed as she looked at Hidan from the right of the couch. Hidan looked back, his eyes sparkling with nervousness.

"So... do you wear all those bracelets because of your fear...?"

"Yes."

"Seriously?"

"Seriously..."

"OK..."

Hidan scratched the back of his head. He had no idea how to help her out.

How the fuck do you get scared of wrists anyway?

He continued to carefully think of answers while KT stared at him; Hidan completely oblivious.

He's so perfect. He's so cute when he looks nervous...almost as cute as when he's mad.

As Hidan broke out of his trance, he noticed KT gazing at him. She saw him notice her stare, looking away blushing pink.

Holy fucking virgins! I got an idea, seriously! I can end this with a lot of fucking time to spare!

He leaned in, his eyes glowing a caring rose. His eyes met hers, the gazes locked instantly.

The priest touched her bracelets; the assorted materials jingling at the contact.

He began pulling them off slowly.

"Hey KT..."

He lowered his voice, the deeper tone sounding like velvet flowing from his rosy lips.

She gulped.

"Ye-yes, Hidan-chan?"

He continued his ministrations on her wrists. "Can you promise me something...?"

"Uhuh..."

"Would you not fear your wrists anymore...if I, gave you...a kiss?"

Her pupils dilated a bit before quickly averting back to their original form.

"Maybe. Try and we might find out." KT had a mischievous glint in her eyes as she leaned closer in.

Hidan felt around her pale wrist; grabbing a single, silver bangle on her right wrist.

"Maybe we will…"

After gently taking the accessory off, he leaned in.

Their lips locked, his icy lips clashing with her warmer ones.

Her lips melded with his, moving in a simple innocent rhythm.

After a good twenty seconds, KT broke away. She smiled and looked down at her wrists.

"Hm...what do you know? No fear."

She waved her wrists in front of her eyes, not squirming at the sight of their bony evilness.

"Hm... looks like I fixed you."

"Yes, you did."

Hidan grabbed her discarded bracelets and found a conveniently located plastic bag and started to pack them up. (OH NO! The conveniently located items have returned! AH!!)

After packing them away, he reached for her arm. "C'mon. Let's get back to the other douches, seriously."

"'K, Hidan-chan."

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000

"RED LIGHT, GREEN LIGHT, 1-2-3!!"

"Ha! I got you, Deidara-sempai!"

"Shit! Tobi you douchebag, yeah!"

Deidara stalked back to the starting point, grumbling profanities all the way.

Tobi had woken from his previous "muffin" incident and convinced the others to play Red Light, Green Light with him.

Let's just say Tobi was the king of Red Light, Green Light.

"HEY FUCKFACES! I'M BACK!!"

Hidan stormed into the room with KT closely behind.

"Hm, Hidan. You were only gone...about fifteen minutes. Did you actually do anything?"

"Hey, Leader-sama! You fucking-"

"Yes, Pein-san. Hidan cured my wrist-o-phobia. See?!"

KT shook her bare wrists wildly for emphasis.

"...Ok, then..."

KT smiled brightly.

"That'll be one easy payment of 19.99 then plus shipping and handling."

She dug around the pockets in her tight fitted black jeans and retracted a fifty.

"Here ya go! Keep the change." Pein's eyes widened at the exceptionally large change.

She then turned to Hidan.

"Thanks, for helping me, Hidan-chan."

"Seriously, it was no fucking problem-"

He stopped in mid sentence when KT gave him a quick kiss on the cheek.

"See ya."

With that, KT swayed out of the building with her plastic bag and a smile of her face.

"So, Hidan... how was your alone time?"

"Shut the fuck up, fish cake."

0000000000000000000000000

The room was dark, too dark for Sasori's liking.

Lauren had insisted that the lights must be turned down and some other crap about paying for this and stuff.

All of a sudden, all of Lauren's shuffling ceased.

Sasori waited a minute before calling her name. "Lauren?"

"Yes?"

"Are you ok?"

"Yes."

"Want to start?"

"Yes."

"So... Leader-sama said you had a love problem..."

"Yes."

"Is it a girl?"

"WTF, no! I'm straight yo! Why the hell would you say that?"

"It was getting on my damn nerves that you only kept repeating 'yes'."

"Yes."

"CUT IT OUT!"

"Okies!"

The room flooded with silence yet again. Sasori sighed.

"Lauren?"

"...Oh yeah. You're supposed to help me with my problem...oh yeah... I forgot."

Sasori groaned.

"Sasori-kun, I am 14-years-old. I am totally and irrevocably in love with this guy."

"How is that a problem?"

"Sh! I'm getting to it! So anyway..." Lauren's voice lowered, resonating a tone of sadness.

"He's 16; exactly two years older than me."

"So?"

"What do you mean so? The age difference is huge!"

"Love knows no age. As cliché as that sounds, it's completely true."

"Really?"

"Yah." Sasori leaned in closer to her. "Can I tell you a secret? If I do, you can't tell anyone. If I know you blabbed, I can guarantee you'll be my new puppet in the last blink of your human eye."

"Yeah, yeah. Tell me, Saso-kun!!"

"Ok…" Sasori took a deep breath. "You know that I'm 34-years-old, right?"

Lauren shook her head no in shock.

"Well, I am. And Deidara's 19. So... the point is we're a couple. The age difference is 15 years."

"Holy schnitzel! That's a lot!"

"Yes it is. The whole moral to that is what I said earlier: Love knows no age."

Lauren sat quietly, her fingers tapping her legs in a quick, upbeat rhythm. She sat in silence like that for minutes before responding.

"Hm... I suppose you're right, Saso-kun. But what about my friends and family?? They can't possibly agree to this!"

"Who cares? This life is all about living it the way you want to. If you wanna date an older guy, go right ahead. If they stop being your friend because of that silly reason, then they truly don't care about you."

Her eyes froze like ice; Sasori's response finally settling in. Tight fists clenched to her sides, toes curling as well.

Sasori was terrified he was going to be punched considering the battle-like stance his patient was in.

"Wow... thanks Sasori. This really means a lot to me. No one has ever been so kind to me before about this type of stuff..."

"I am being paid for it though..."

Silence.

"Way to ruin a moment..."

Sasori smirked evilly. "Don't mention it."

0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

"I'm glad they're gone Leader-sama. Lauren was a pain in the ass..."

"Seriously, who has a damned wrist phobia?"

Both of the 'doctors' decided to complain right after their patients were out of earshot.

Typical.

"Well it seems that no more patients will show up today, so don't worry. I guess we'll play duck, duck, goose or some crap like that..."

BANG!

The main entrance snapped open.

"KNOCK, FUCKING, KNOCK!"

Everyone stared at the new arrival with wary eyes.

"Hey Hidan. I think I found your twin."

"Fuck you, miser. Fuck you in Jashin hell."

00000000000000000000

_Again, thanks to my kick ass beta, daydrifter, for her well...awesome beta-ing!!_

_Hope this was ok for my first 2 patients!_


	3. Mini Chapter Crap of DOOM!

**A/N: Le Warning! Lime and a bit of Akatsuki-bashing and an even smaller dose of patient-bashing...sorta.**

**Oh and I don't own the Akatsuki, Naruto, or Junjou Romantica...yeah don't ask on that last one. Google it and see what pops up...**

Akatsuki Therapy

000000000000000000000000000

In the doorway stood the source of the rather noticeable entrance.

A girl with short, red hair ran into the middle of the senior center, which happened to be where the Akatsuki were.

"Hiya, fuckers!"

"Hi!"

Tobi waved to the girl with complete friendliness. Deidara, being the Tobi-basher he was, snuck up behind him and punched the back of his head, knocking the Good Boy unconscious.

Zetsu glared at the pyro, both his piercing yellow eyes resting above a feral snarl. Deidara gulped nervously.

"Woah...that plant thing is some fucking scary shit..."

Pein looked pissed at the new intruder.

"Look, um, miss...Are you here for therapy...?"

"Oh, fuck yeah!"

Konan, was standing behind Pein, ready with the questionnaire and pencil held in her neatly manicured hands.

With that, the entire Akatsuki backed slowly away from the new girl.

Then the gossiping commenced.

"I'm telling you, Hidan. That girl is your twin."

"Fuck you! That bitch is nothing like me! I am way fucking more mature than her!"

"My point taken."

"I agree with Kakuzu... for once."

"Me too Danna!"

"Shh! She's coming!"

Konan warned the others while that girl approached them.

"I fucking finished it!!"

Pein was then having the form shoved in his face, reading it over in his head:

**AKATSUKI THERAPY QUESTIONNAIRE**

**Name:** Mushiku

Age: 13

**Problem**: I fucking have a PROBLEM. A fucking cursing problem.

**Therapist Pick (optional):**Hidan and fucking Kakuzu

**Do You Like Tobi's Sign?** I fucking guess so.

Pein had a visible sweat-drop on his head.

He sighed. "Everyone, this is Mushiku. Her problem is constant swearing-"

"NO FUCK!" Everyone angrily yelled. Mushiku then angrily yelled back, "Let the douche finish!"

Pein frowned at being called a douche. Only mothers were allowed to call their sons douches...not some crack-pot child.

Anyway, he continued. "...and her choice of therapists are Hidan-"

"Again? Jashin dammit!"

"...and Kakuzu."

"Ha! You have to suffer with me! Score one for Hidan, zero for the dipshit miser!"

Hidan grinned proudly as he was about to walk down the hall to one of the therapy rooms before Kakuzu grabbed his sleeve.

Hidan let out a meek, high pitched screech at the contact. Everyone stared at him with questioning eyes. While everyone stared at the Jashinist, Deidara and Sasori quietly crept to a nearby closet, not attracting any of the other's attention.

"Um...what is it shit face?! Don't touch me!" A visible blush started to caress his cheeks.

"Ok...Hidan, I just need to ask Mushiku a few questions before we head to the room, ok?"

"Fine..."

Hidan grumbled as he embarrassingly stared at his feet.

"Mushiku, your problem is cursing and getting angrily at simplistic things, am I correct?"

"You fucking bet you are!" She grinned wildly.

"You also want to know how to calm down, right?"

"Hell yes!"

"Ok then..." With that, Kakuzu disappeared into thin air, no trace of his previous purchase on the floor.

"Where the fuck did he go!?"

Mushiku started to panic, looking every which way for the missing treasurer.

"G-get back here, you fucker!"

"I'm right here, sweetie..."

Kakuzu whispered into her left ear. His warm breath trickling down her neck. She involuntarily shivered at the contact.

She turned to face him, but he was no longer there.

"EEKKK!!"

She ran up to Hidan and clutched his body. Her eyes looked up into Hidan's own pink ones, complete and utter fear struck within the hazel eyes.

"Hidan...help-p me..."

Hidan growled. "Get off me, bitch!"

Her eyes grew wide, tears streaming down her cheeks. Her breath came out in short pants and her hands shook with extreme hysteria.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

She ran to the wall, her body huddled up to the wallpaper. The senior citizens were watching Mushiku with blatant amusement. This was way more interesting than "I Love Lucy"... way more.

Her whimpers continued as she glanced around for the masked member.

Kisame sat back down in his recliner; he recently got up and got some popcorn. Itachi was sitting on his lap munching quietly to himself while he picked up popcorn, piece by piece.

"Someone help m-!"

Her eyes lightly closed, her arms going limp at her sides. Her heard bobbed back and forth before it hung forward. Her knees quivered while they fell to the floor, her torso slinking back against the wall.

Kakuzu was suddenly beside her, a syringe in his tentacles. His eyes crinkled with excitement; he was obviously smirking beneath his mask.

Konan shrieked in shock.

"Kakuzu! What did you do to her? You can't just inject random serums into the patients! What the hell did you give her!?"

Kakuzu looked utterly disconcerned for Mushiku. "I injected her with a special sedative I use on Hidan when he really pisses me off. I have a few syringes in my tool pouch."

Hidan looked appalled. "That's why I have those fucking memory lapses! You bitch!"

He was seething angrily, his fists shaking at his sides.

"Yes Hidan, I use these on you quite often...I must say, you are very clingy when you're hyped up on drugs..."

The immortal blushed darkly.

"Oh my god! Hidan, I thought your were drunk or something when you came up to me last week and started hugging and nuzzling my shoulder! I so thought you downed five bottles of vodka or something!!" Konan looked in a state of awe as she recalled last week's experience.

Now, Hidan looked utterly discouraged. His pink eyes went half-lidded, his cheeks flushed red, and stared at the ground. His fingers gently curled around his rosary and began to rub the silver finish.

Kakuzu turned to Hidan for his triumphal victory when he saw the immortal.

The look of embarrassment was so evident; the humiliation sparkling in his dull eyes.

The miser never wanted to hurt his partner like this, he just liked it when the Jashinist angrily confronted each of his attacks.

He had to admit...Hidan, when he was angry...looked downright adorable.

Kakuzu decided to help the kid out, just this once...

"Well, Konan, he was high on sedatives that time, so really it wasn't his fault."

In that instant, Hidan's eyes flashed an emotion that Kakuzu had never seen in those carnation irises.

The best way Kakuzu could define that emotion was thankfulness...and love.

As soon as that feeling emitted from Hidan, it was gone.

"You bastard! Don't you ever touch me with that needle ever again you fucking bitch!"

Kakuzu smiled inwardly to himself.

Ah, good ol' Hidan.

0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

"Um, does anyone know where the hell Sasori and Deidara went off to?"

Pein was standing with the clinic's newest patient, Shea. She came in minutes before and filled out her form in order for her to be legible for the Akatsuki's therapeutic services.

Pein looked straight into her eyes with an apologetic stare. This was possible since Shea was around his height, six foot.

"I'm sorry, I have no idea where those two dips went. Konan will be happy to go look for them for you, right Konan?"

Pein desperately gazed at his partner.

Konan sighed. "Fine, quit your bitching, I'll look for them. Sheesh."

Konan rose from her chair and trudged down the hall. She got a halfway down the hall when she heard a noise to her right.

You got to be fucking kidding me...

She decidedly strolled down to the end of the long hallway, and walked back to Pein, her eyes completely unfocused. On the inside, her cerulean irises shone with awkwardness and a bit of surprise. Well, not too much surprise.

"Well?"

Konan barely looked at him before nodding her head.

"I found them."

"Where?"

"I think we should let our patient find them." Konan turned toward Shea and smiled. "I like your jeans, hun. Fit you well."

Shea blushed lightly and mumbled a quick thanks. Konan took her hand and walked down the center of the senior center until they reached the mouth of the hallway. When they stopped, Konan unwinded their fingers gently. Konan then gave a smaller grin and waved her hand down the hall.

"Don't worry, you'll definitely find them."

Shea nodded quickly. Taking light forward steps, she began her journey down the hall. When she was about halfway down the cramped walkway, she heard a rustling noise ninety degrees to her right. Awkwardly stepping, she advanced further to the door in front of her. Breathing in deeply, Shea turned the doorknob quickly, flinging the wooden blockade from view.

Her eyes widened and let out a scream.

"AAAHHHHH!!"

She backed away slowly, her eyes wide in fright as she fell onto her butt. Then she passed out.

"Oh muffins..."

Deidara whispered. His arms, previously snaked around a certain puppet master's waist, dropped down to his sides. Sasori sighed as he walked out of the closet, dragging Deidara with him.

"Hey, Danna! Stop, you're hurting me, yeah!"

Sasori sighed yet again and dropped his Dei-kun's wrist.

Hidan, who happened to be in front of the closet now, started to interrogate the two bustees.

"What were you fuckers doing in there anyway?"

Deidara's face lit up. "Me and Danna were making out. Then he told me that I was a naughty patient and decided to punish me! That's how we started to play 'therapist,' yeah!"

Deidara rubbed his temples before casually walking away. "Ugh...I need some water."

Then, Hidan burst out laughing. "Oh my Jashin! Sasori went all Nowaki on your ass, Hiroki!"

"Wha?" Deidara questioned. He looked lost, more than usual.

"You know, Junjou Romantica? Junjou Terrorist?" Hidan continued to laugh his ass off.

Konan's eyebrows rose. "You mean the yaoi manga/anime, Junjou Romantica?"

"Yeah, seriously!"

Something then clicked in Dei's head.

"Yaoi...Oh my god! Hidan watched gay porn!"

Hidan looked taken aback. "Well, um...YOU DO GAY PORN!"

"Touche..." Deidara mumbled in defeat.

Kisame then walked over to Shea and examined her face.

"Hey Sasori...Deidara...I think you guys overloaded her so much with sexual excitement, that she passed out..."

"You mean an orgasm!"

Everyone looked over to see who said that. Everyone almost fainted, too.

"Holy shit, Tobi!? Where did you learn such vile language??" Both Zetsu's halves were up in Tobi's face, looking pissed and concerned at the same time.

"Oh! I heard Sempai and Sasori-san in Sasori-san's room one day and heard Sasori-san say something about orgasm. Tobi didn't know what it meant so Tobi googled it! Tobi got scary pictures that popped up!"

"This organization is so fucked up."

000000000000000000000000000000000000

After Sasori and Deidara left with Shea for therapy, Kakuzu and Hidan dragged Mushiku's unconscious body into the same closet that Sasori and Deidara made out in.

000000000000000000000000000000000000

**Ok. I apologize for this chapter. It is a complete fuck-up and I send my dearest wishes to Mushiku and Shea. I have nothing against you two, I would have done the same shit to any other person in this chapter, well, if you CAN call this a chapter...**

**Mushiku: I apologize for you being unconscious...in a closet...that Sasori and Deidara almost made love in... I'm sorry... You'll be back though. :)**

**Shea: I'm sorry, but I really couldn't help myself. Well, maybe I shouldn't be apologizing, I mean, you DID see them making out in a closet. I originally was gonna put Dei in a slutty nurse's costume, but I thought, "Nah...gotta keep this T...if you can call it that...**

**Next chapter will have five patients resolve their problems, 2x the Old People, and 5 times the cursing!!...and a hint of Zetsu. If you can call it that...**


	4. OHEMGEE 1! Author's Note

Ugh.  
I'm at a loss here... I have come across a writer's block for my Akatsuki Therapy story. Ugh! It sucks, I can't make shit out of my reviews right now, I really have no fucking clue what to write about.  
So please, gimme a week or two to get rid of this horrid demon and I shall be back with a new chapter.  
It shall be 90 percent more funny, have 40 percent more old people, 6.5 percent more Tobi, and a possible shounen-ai increase! Please bear with me and thanks for all your reviews! I await them every day! Yet it's strange... most of my reviews are made at 1 AM every night. Hmm.  
Oh, and I also have about 1/8th of the chapter written so at least it didn't go nowhere! Hahaha...ha.

Suffocated Entity The fangirl with a compassion for bedroom passion. XD I made that up like literally 2 seconds.


	5. Baseball Bats Aren't Just for Sports

**I'm back!! I know you all missed me soooo much, but let's save the reunion for the reviews, m'kay? So I finally beat God's plague graced upon us writers and came back with something that I hope defeats the random crap I gave you all in my previous editions. Eck... this is long, very long... sorry about that... oh, and there is a fuck load of baseball bat incidents...and Hidan French's the wall! Yeah.. you'll get to that eventually...**

**Oh, and if you would like to be knocked unconscious, just ask. I'll be more than happy to start a collection here... so, any takers? ****Would anyone be game if Zetsu had a drug trading post in the side alley next to the clinic? I will only do it if I have more than two readers say yes.**

**VOTE! I HAVE A POLL AND I NEED PEOPLE TO VOTE OR I'LL QUIT THE STORY!! Not really, but I need voters. :)**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, The Akatsuki, Milano's, Blendy-Pens, or Life Alert.**

**0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000**

Akatsuki Therapy

"So Shea, your problem is your paranoia, yes?" Sasori asked, his mind going over her information.

**AKATSUKI THERAPY QUESTIONNAIRE**

**Name:** Shea

**Age:** WHAT DO YOU NEED IT FOR? ...Are you gonna rape me...?

**Problem**: I'm extremely paranoid.I can't sleep until 5am, and I watch my back.What should I do to stop?

**Therapist Pick (optional):**Sasori and Deidara

**Do You Like Tobi's Sign?** Um... Will I get punched if I say no?

Pein had a visible sweat-drop on his head.

Sasori sat relaxed on the couch, his torso leaning forward as he braided Deidara's long, sun-kissed hair. Deidara smiled happily as his Danna's fingers played deftly with his golden locks.

"YounotquestioningmelikeyoudidwithMushikusoyoucouldknockmeoutwithasedativethenlockmeinacloset, right?" **(1)** Shea nervously shook in her seat, her glasses reflecting the dull light from the old light fixtures.

"Umm...no, yeah?"

"Which one is it!! Is it no or yeah??"

"It's no, yeah!"

"You're really going to lock me up! Why! I should of listened to the bunny when he said I shouldn't come for therapy! The bunny knew! THE BUNNY KNEW!"

Shea was now under the chair, her knees huddled up to her chest. Her blonde bangs covered her glasses, making her look even crazier than before.

"Shea! Calm down! No one is going to hurt you, so please, sit back down in your chair and together, we can help you fix your problem and make you better."

Sasori whispered in a hushed tone, his coco eyes emitting understanding.

"Usoda!" **(2)**

She was sobbing now. Tiny droplets of tears were falling onto her grey sweatshirt, her jeans scrunched up from her position. If the two ninja didn't do something soon, they would **need** to get a sedative.

"If you stop crying Shea-chan, we'll give you cookies, yeah!"

The whining stopped suddenly. "Cookies...?"

Deidara shook his head up and down merrily, not realizing that he ruined his Danna's work on his hair.

"Dammit, Dei..." He mumbled.

Out of nowhere, Deidara pulled a tin of assorted cookies and shoved them in Shea's tear-stained face.

"They're for you, yeah!"

"Really?" Shea looked completely shocked.

"Ahuh!"

Shea hesitantly took the tin and opened it slowly. Her face lit up when she saw the inside contents.

"Holy crap! Double fudge brownies!"

Her mood instantly changed as she devoured one of the brownies.

"Um...ok."

Sasori then took the opportunity to get some logic in this poor girl's head.

"Shea...you don't know what to do to ease your nerves. Have you tried meditation? It is very calming."

"Yep! But it didn't work... those people lied to me!!"

She started to hyperventilate, but before it got out of hand, Sasori pointed to another brownie. "Look! Another brownie!"

"Oh my gosh, yes!" Then she ate the brownie.

"Well, if that didn't work did you try-"

"Holy shit, yeah! Shea could get Life Alert!"

"Deidara, I think you just hit a new level of stupid."

"No, Danna! It's the perfect idea, yeah!"

"What is this 'Life Alert' you speak of...? Will it give me cancer?" Shea asked, her mouth stuffed with all the chocolate sweets it could hold.

"It's this device you wear on a chain around your neck. There's a button in the middle, and if it's pushed, a 911 call is made."

Shea sat still. "They...have something on the market... THAT AWESOME??"

"Yeah!" Deidara cheered.

"Where can I frickin' get one?!" Her face was completely ecstatic now. She was jumping up and down like a happy bunny in a meadow.

"Here!" Deidara flung a Life Alert at her... out of nowhere.

"Ah! That's so cool!!" Her pale hands fingered the plastic, her face flushed with excitement.

Sasori whispered into his boyfriend's ear. "Where the fuck did you get a Life Alert from? Not to mention the cookies??"

"I have my sources, Danna..." Deidara smirked as he watched Shea hug the little device with full-blown passion.

0000000000000000000000000000000000000000

**AKATSUKI THERAPY QUESTIONNAIRE**

**Name:** Amara

**Age:** 18

**Problem**: I'm like socially retarded...

**Therapist Pick (optional):**Guy counting the money... (Obviously Kakuzu...)

**Do You Like Tobi's Sign?** It's beautiful...

"Hm...Well it looks like Hidan isn't the only socially inept person we have in this hell hole..."

"Haha! Hidan's not socially stupid! You just hate him so you turn your hatred into insults! Oh Mr. Money Man, you bring joy to me!!"

Kakuzu sweat dropped. He currently was with Akatsuki Therapy's newest and greatest nutjob, Amara.

"Uhuh, well then, let's get this done-"

"So we can have some Uber Fun! Yay!"

Amara clapped her hands and giggled at her own joke.

Kakuzu sweat dropped... again. Just his luck to be set up with the Special Ed adult.

"Just shut the fuck up."

"Oooooo!! You said a bad word!"

"I'm gonna rape you in a second if you don't shut the hell up in five seconds."

"Meep!" Amara zipped her mouth shut, her small hands flinging the imaginary key behind her back.

"Finally. What do you want to work on socially?"

"..."

"Amara."

"..."

"Amara...

"..."

"Amara! Fucking talk or you'll not sit right for the rest of your life!"

"But, Kuzu-kun! You told me no talkies!"

"When I tell you to talk, you talk! Got it?"

"Yeppers!!"

Kakuzu looked at the ceiling and sighed. "Just strike me down right now."

"Ok!"

_WHACK!!_

00000000000000000000000000

Pein looked down the hall, taking his eyes off the Bingo board for a split second, to see Amara happily skipping down towards the other Akatsukians taking part in the afternoon Bingo game hosted by the one and only, Grazilda. The thing that really caught his attention was the fact that her therapist was missing.

_Where in my name is Kakuzu?_

Amara was heading to the exit when Pein called her out.

"Amara!"

"Yeppers?" Her face looked confused, probably puzzling over the reason she was called.

"You have to pay us."

"Oh yeah! Heehee!"

Her blonde hair flowed brilliantly behind her head as she strode to Pein and handed him a hundred. "Ize got exact change!!"

His look was incredulous, not believing this girl's social and thinking abilities.

"Sure..."

He pocketed the money and shooed her out with his right hand. Just as she opened the door, Pein's mouth began to mouth out unconsciously:

"Where's Kakuzu?"

Amara stopped, her fingers inches from the push-bar. She turned around and smiled. "Kuzu-kun is in the therapy room!"

"Doing what?"

"Doing unconscious, silly!"

"WHAT?!" Pein screeched. Did he hear this girl right?

"Are you fucking telling me Kakuzu is unconscious??"

"Yeppers!" She smiled her biggest smile yet.

"Why!?"

"..'cause he told me too!"

_Holy. Fucking. Christ._

0000000000000000000000000000

When Pein arrived in the room in which Amara guided him to, he could of swore his heart stopped. On the floor was Kakuzu. He was unconscious, laying in a gradually growing pool of crimson blood, and had a steel baseball bat laying at his side. Seeing the damage, he probably had a concussion.

_Just fucking great. The only good therapist we have just got a concussion. Just fucking peachy._

Pein head angrily swiveled to the side to see Amara dancing. Her head bopped up and down to the beat in her head and her legs wildly flung around. The thing Pein noticed was that her eyes were closed.

Pein smiled, not a regular smile but one filled with malace, and grabbed the bat on the floor. He brought it over his head, his eyes widening as he smashed it down with a sickening crack.

_SMACKKK!_

"Hehehe... looks like Mushiku has a new buddy."

0000000000000000000000000000000

With a click, Pein closed the closet door. Wiping the sweat from his brow, he happily skipped to his armchair, eagerly eyeing his tapioca pudding.

He plopped down and grabbed his spoon. When the pudding was just about to meet his lips, he saw Zetsu staring at him from the corner of his eye.

"What?"

"**Did you just hide a new body in the closet? **_That wasn't very nice..."_

"Yeah? What's it too ya?"

**"Hehe... looks like we've started a collection today...** _you can't solve all your problems by knocking people unconscious, Leader-sama!"_

"Why the fuck can't I?" Pein continued to eat his pudding, the Nyquil was very distinct in the grainy mixture.

**"Shut it, Hello Kitty. He can do whatever he wants."**

_"But it's not nice..."_

**"Who said we were nic-"**

"Shut the hell up both of you. I'm eating my pudding."

0000000000000000000000000000000000000

"Hi. I'm Ruby!"

"Hello, Ruby!"

Tobi giggled out. Tobi was in a good mood, dispite all the times he was knocked out today.

"Can you guys help me? I came for therapy."

"Sure, sure. I just have one question. Does your problem go under the category of profanity or hyperactivity?" Pein asked tiredly. He really didn't feel like stuffing more bodies in an already cramped space.

"No...why?"

"We have a closet filled with bodies, seriously!" Hidan happily grinned. The fact there was bodies in a closet seemed to please him.

"Oh no... Are they dead?" Ruby looked shocked.

"No... they're just unconscious..." Now Hidan looked sad. Poor Hidan...

"Ok, then..."

"Since you don't have those other patients symptoms, take this form and fill it out. Hand it back to me then we can get you started."

"No problem!" Ruby took the sheet and began to scribble in the answers.

Suddenly, the door busted open.

"Ok! Who in the hell is responsible for this?!"

In the door was a man. His blueish white uniform showed he was an ambulance driver. His eyes were conquered by fury and his fist was held high in the air. Between his knuckles he clasped a small white device.

Life Alert.

"Me, uh...?"

"Y-you!!"

The guy stormed over to the artist. Picking him up by the collar, the man held Deidara above his face, glaring into the blonde's frightened cerulean orbs. He squeaked out a small, "D-dan-na..."

"I fucking hate you! Why would you give this girl a Life Alert?!"

Behind the man was a girl, and this girl was none other than Shea.

"Hi..." Shea tepidly waved to the Akatsuki.

"Hi Shea-chan!" Tobi's voice yelled from afar.

"Who said that?!" Her body instantly tightened.

The oxygen supply was beginning to decrease, causing Deidara to choke out.

"'Cause cough...she needed it...cough"

His grip just tightened.

"No! She doesn't!! You know what this girl has been doing for the past hour? I have gotten twenty-seven calls from her! Oh, and you know what they have been about?"

"N-no..."

"THEY HAVE BEEN ABOUT CEREAL!! MOTHERFUCKING CHEERIO'S!!"

Deidara's drooping eyes looked over to Shea.

"But! I had a good reason! They were speaking to me, they said 'ooo'!! That could mean anything!"

"F-fuck..." Deidara whispered.

"Yeah, fuck's right! Who's gonna pay for my services? I know this bitch ain't so it looks like it's gonna be you, girlie!"

With the blink of an eye, the man was on the ground. Deidara wheezed above him, an angry glare blazing on his cheeks.

"No one fucking calls me 'girlie', yeah!!"

Under his gaze, the ambulance dude cowardly yelped in fear. With a sickening smile, Deidara kicked the guy in the nuts.

"OWWW- Son of a BITCH!!" He curled into a little ball as Deidara continued his attacks at full force.

Blood began to ooze on the floor as new bruises and cuts started to form.

Suddenly, Deidara started on his head. He straddled the guy and mightily smashed in his nose. The screams continued; no one really felt like helping the guy. I mean, he was being a douchebag...

Grabbing his neck, Deidara snapped his neck.

The screams stopped.

"Uh... Dei...? I think you killed him..."

Sasori looked a bit creeped out by that fact. He had never witnessed Deidara so violent before, well maybe in the bedr-you know what, forget it...

"Uhuh, un!" Smiling brightly, he picked up the corpse. Swinging it over his shoulder, he skipped down the hall to the same closet where Amara and Mushiku were. Opening the door, he positioned the guy by his legs and punted his body into the darkness. A loud thud was heard from inside.

Deidara came back to everyone else, sat his butt on the floor, and ate a cookie. A chocolate one.

"Hey, that's a good idea. Dei gimme one of those." Konan seated herself next to him and nibbled on a cookie.

"Eh. Why the fuck not?" Pein said sitting down, the rest of the Akatsuki minus Kakuzu following suit. The rest of the hour was spent eating cookies in a pile of blood. Fun, fun.

000000000000000000000000000000000000

**AKATSUKI THERAPY QUESTIONNAIRE**

**Name:** Ruby

**Age:** 18

**Problem**: Loneliness and trust issues.

**Therapist Pick (optional):** Group therapy

**Do You Like Tobi's Sign?** Yummy

After the cookies were gone, the group reluctantly got to their feet and went back to work. Shea went home some time ago since Hidan threatened to rape her with a Milano. Heh, that would be funny. It's like, "I lost my virginity to a Milano in therapy last year..."

So, back to the crack...

After Pein announced that Ruby wanted a group therapy session, everyone surprisingly agreed to help her.

Hidan got a folding chair for Ruby, after bribing a war veteran with non-existing apple stroudel. Sitting down, the therapy session commenced.

"Ruby, would you like to explain in detail what is exactly your problem?"

Sasori asked, his body cuddling Deidara's on the comfy armchair.

Sighing, Ruby looked at everyone else and started to tell. "Well, I am a lonely person. Due to past problems, I have an issue with trusting others, I'm just afraid I'm gonna be hurt again. So, I am gonna start attending a college soon in a new environment with people I don't even know. With no one around I know or even trust, I think I'll be even lonelier than ever. I want to know how I could get that feeling out of my gut, to realize I have people who care for me, but it's just so hard to shake it off. It's one of those feelings I have felt such for a long time... it's hard to imagine myself without them..."

"Woah... that's fucking deep, seriously..." Hidan gawked in awe. Kisame, noticing the absence of Kakuzu, decided to slap Hidan for his bad behavior.

"Jashin dammit! What the fuck was that for??"

"You were being rude and stupid so I slapped you."

"Bitch..." Hidan mumbled to himself. He crossed his arms and ended up pouting.

"Ruby, I can relate to your feelings, un."

All eyes turned to Deidara who lay limp in Sasori's arms.

"I totally felt like that before, un. My parents pretty much neglected me and I had no siblings to confide in. When I was recruited into the Akatsuki," He shot an angry glare at Itachi, who completely ignored him and ate some conveniantly located pie. He continued, "I was nervous, un. I was positive no one would like me here; that I would be a total outcast just as much as I was at home... But, I was partnered up with Danna, and I finally found happiness. He never judged me by my appearance, keikeigenkai, or age, he accepted me for who I was, un."

"coughcoughPEDOcoughcough"

SLAP!

"Dammit!"

"So Ruby, I know how you feel, yeah." Deidara's smile was full of emotion, his liquid ice eyes sparkled with concern and understanding; Ruby looked close to tears.

Sniffle "Oh Deidara! I didn't know you ever felt the same as me!" She wrapped her toned arms around Deidara, her chest snuggled into Deidara's own. Their own heartbeat's were heard throughout each others bodies.

"Deidara... You found happiness here. But me, what if I don't...? I want this feeling gone; I never want this emotion to eat away my heart ever again. I want the emptiness to disappear..." At the last syllable, her crimson eyes filled with tears again and sobbed into the pyro's shoulder. Her black hair clung to her damp cheeks, her body quivering uncontrollably.

"Ruby... You are a beautiful girl. Who wouldn't love you, un...? If people treat you badly, they are douchebags, they don't deserve your tears. Your tears only are worthy for someone who loves you; someone who wouldn't think twice about sacrificing themselves to save you. You have a long life ahead of you, un. Someone will pluck you from the tree and they'll instantly realize they picked the ripest fruit in the world."

Ruby looked into Deidara's eyes, her orbs of melancholy ceased. Her full lips adorned a smile, a smile full of hope and happiness. "Thank you, Deidara... You don't know how much this means to me..."

"I actually do, un." Leaning in to kiss her forehead, he whispered so low only her ears could hear his words. "Sasori told me that when I came here. My sadness left me the moment I heard them."

Ruby removed her body from Deidara's and stood up. Her posture seemed better, her eyes misted with determination.

"Goodbye, everyone. Thank you so much for everything. I think I can live now, live without all my emotions controlling my life." With a twist of her hips, she elegantly walked out the door, her raven hair fluttering behind her curvacious figure.

"Um... didn't she need to pay?" Konan asked, just realizing that they charged for their fucked up advice.

Sniff Sniff "N-no... that girl-l doesn't nee-ed to p-pay...!" Konan looked over her shoulder to see Pein bawling his eyes out. Several tissues were clutched in his hands.

"Oh god... Help me now."

"I'm busy, Konan! G-go away!!" Sniff

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

"Ugh... Where am I...?"

Kakuzu sat up. His head throbbed uncontrollably, his mind swirling with confusion. The miser's head felt dry. Reaching up, he felt his scalp and noticed a flaky and moist substance covering the area. Bringing his fingers down to eye level, he saw by closer inspection, that the material was dried blood.

"Oh fuck..."

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

"Haha! I dare you, Hidan, to french that wall!" Kisame giggled as he pointed to a random wall. Fortunately, that wall was smeared in pudding. Yay.

"Hell no! I want truth!"

"No backsies, Hidan! You picked dare and I dared you to french the wall!" Kisame now entered a giggle fit. I know it's OC, but seriously, who gives a flyin' fuck?

"No! Seriously, that a gay dare!"

"Actually, that'll be really hot." Konan evilly grinned as she layed back against her cushion. Hidan seethed, again.

"NO!"

"I'll convert to Jashinism if you do it!"

"Hell, I'll join if I get to see some porn."

"Seriously?"

"Seriously." Both members replied in unison.

Hidan thought for a second, then gave his answer. "Eh, fine."

"Yays!"

"Porn!"

Sighing, Hidan walked over to a clean wall. "I'll only do it if I use this wall."

Kisame looked upset, but let it pass.

Positioning his lips from the wall, the masochist took a deep breath before guiding his mouth to the wallpaper.

"FOR THE WIN!" Konan yelled as she moved closer to him to get a closer look.

His lips parted to let his tongue swipe against the wall. Moving the muscle up and down quickly, a powerful friction began to course through Hidan's body.

_This kind of feels nice... I wonder if Kakuzu's tongue feel this goo- OH MY FUCKING JASHIN! Dirty thoughts go away!_

His pace quickened, the feeling intensifying. Hidan let out a quiet moan.

Konan stared in shock. "Oh my god... this is fucking hot. I don't think I have ever been this turned on in my entire life..."

Just then, the door opened forcefully, the collision the door made with the wall echoing throughout the facility.

"Huh?" Kisame and Konan turned their heads to the mysterious personnel in the entrance. Hidan still was making out with the wall...typical.

With one glance at Hidan from the visitor, the man stated bluntly. "Sexually deprived douche."

Hidan swiveled around, his cheeks burning red. "I'M NOT SEXUALLY DEPRIVED! DO I LOOK LIKE A VIRGIN TO YOU!?"

The guy nodded. "Yes."

"Gah! You all suck, seriously!" With that Hidan stormed down the hallway, his footsteps vanishing along with his shadow.

Konan looked at the man with her icy eyes, studying his form quickly.

He couldn't be any older than 27. Around six feet tall, his body was well built under his black T-shirt. Onyx eyes matched midnight hair, the soft tendrils were combed into a short ponytail on the back of his neck. On his back, a giant Zanbato rested proudly on the leather strap that encircled his torso. His right hand was adjusting his shoulder strap when Konan noticed his ring finger was missing. Ouch.

So in short, this guy was Itachi's clone... except taller, way taller.

Konan stopped the video camera in her hand and tucked it away in her doctor coat. That Hidan video is what she liked to call, 'Instant YouTube Fame.'

Konan approached him. "Hi, welcome, um... Mr...?"

"Martyn."

"Mr. Martyn. Did you come to receive our therapy session today?"

"Yes." Martyn looked extremely stoic as he stared down at Konan, his dark eyes possibly emptier than Itachi's.

Itachi somehow saw the exchange at walked over to the new person. They both stared at each other for minutes, their eyes locked in intensity as they looked into each others empty orbs.

The two looked away, then returned their gaze and promptly responded together, "Badass."

Konan looked at the two with confusion. "Ok... Martyn, would you do me a favor? If you want to be helped, please fill out this form so we can help you as soon as possible."

She handed him the paper and a pen and walked away. She sat next to Pein who still was sobbing his eyes out.

"Oh, will you shut up! It wasn't that bad."

"Yes it was! I had no idea people could be so lonellyyyyyy!"

She smacked him hard on the cheek. "You're the leader of a bunch of serial killings who don't think twice about taking a life. All of a sudden we give therapy to people and you turn into a freakin' whiny bitch. What is wrong with you?"

Pein sniffled hard. "I-I didn't-t want to tell y-you Konan... But, but, I-I'm...PREGNANT!"

Konan sighed. "Who gave you booze? Tell me now."

Sniffle "Ze-Zetsu..." Hiccup

Konan stood up. "Hey, Zetsu, Zetsu! Who wants to meet Mr. Fire?"

"**No! Go away!"**

**"**_Stay back!"_

"Hehe... But Mr. Fire wants to visit!"

Then Konan started to chase him... or them? I'm not sure, but, whatever.

Itachi was eating strawberry Pocky as he watched Martyn fill out the questionnaire. His blood red eyes scanned the others form.

_Badass._

Martyn ceased his writing. Talking long, badass strides, he made it over to the Uchiha with the paper in hand.

"Done." He handed to Itachi, well, more likely thrusted it.

"Hn."

Itachi stared at the form, his eyes scanning the content. He looked over at Kisame, then grudgingly walked over to him.

Kisame saw the Weasel coming over, the form clutched in his manicured hands. Forcing the paper in the fishes hands, Itachi drawled out a quick syllable. "Read."

"Uh, Ok..."

Kisame cleared his throat. "E-everyone?"

No response.

"Guys...?"

No response.

"EVERYONE LISTEN, DAMMIT!"

That got their attention. What was left of the Akatsuki, Sasori, Deidara, Pein, Tobi, and Itachi all turned to him.

"Our newest, uh, patient, finished his questionaire thing. Here it is."

**AKATSUKI THERAPY QUESTIONNAIRE**

**Name: **Martyn Korosu

**Age:** 25

**Problem**: Fangirls. Blood addiction.

**Therapist Pick (optional): **Itachi

**Do You Like Tobi's Sign?** It lacks blood...

Itachi looked monotonously glared down Martyn before walking away.

"Come."

Martyn followed Itachi down the hallway. Deidara snickered. "Hehe...he said 'come'!"

Sasori slapped him. "Danna!"

"Quiet, Dei!" Sasori glared at the blonde once more before turning to Kisame.

"Are you sure they're not gonna have sex? I mean, they're perfect for each other, quiet, malevolent, and total douches."

"No, Itachi'll be good. I'm sure."

"Whatever."

0000000000000000000000000000000000000000

**AKATSUKI THERAPY QUESTIONNAIRE**

**Name: **Seijin "Sin" Hiasho

**Age:** ...

**Problem**: Smoking addiction, possessiveness, and pays people to leave him alone

**Therapist Pick (optional): **Kakuzu, Konan, or Hidan

**Do You Like Tobi's Sign?** I'll give him five grand if he never does it again.

"We have a new patient! Everyone gather 'round!" Pein exclaimed, an irritated look on his face.

Pein had sobered up since the initial booze consumption. When he got drunk, he acted like an overly sensitive girl on her period.

He read the form to everyone, making sure they all listened. He continued.

"Ok. Will Konan, Kakuzu, and Hidan please take Mr. Seijin to one of the therapy rooms for his counseling.

The leader looked over the crowd of people, only to see Deidara's hand raised.

He sighed. "What, Deidara?"

"Konan, Kakuzu, and Hidan aren't here, un."

"What!? Where are they??"

"Well, Konan chased Zetsu away with matches, Hidan was Frenching to the wall and got all pissy so he left, and Kakuzu has been missing since his session with Amara, un."

"Oh. Kakuzu's unconscious, I forgot. Amara's in the closet, I beat her with the bat since she knocked him out in the first place."

Deidara looked shocked, his cerulean eyes widening.

"C'mon, Seijin, let's go find Konan and Hidan so you can get this over with."

"Hn." Seijin was about to follow the orange-head when he felt a tug on his blue jacket. It was Tobi.

"Tobi heard that if Tobi doesn't make anymore signs you will give Tobi money. Can Tobi have his money, he promises he'll be good?"

Seijin sighed, his hands reaching into his back jean pocket and retrieving his checkbook. He wrote out the check and handed it to Tobi.

"Yay! Tobi can by his Blendy-Pens now! Tobi can draw pretty pictrures now!"

Seijin grimaced. "Stupid retard."

0000000000000000000000000000000000000000

With Konan...

"Don't hide, Zetsu. Mr. Fire just wants to say hello..."

_"But I don't want to see him!"_

**"Tell him to leave me the fuck alone!!"**

"Aw... I guess Mr. Fire is just going to have to come inside the closet."

"**NO!!"**

"Here he comes, Zetsu!" Konan maniacally laughed as she reached for the doorknob.

"Konan!"

The blue-haired girl turned her head to see Pein, the Akatsuki, and some stranger staring at her from about twenty feet away. She quickly hid the matches behind her back.

"Konan, were you going to light Zetsu on fire again?" Pein questioned, his eyes forming tiny, angry slits.

"N-no..."

"Dammit, Konan! I told you not to threaten him like that! Argh... I'll deal with you later, you have a customer."

Konan looked the guy up and down. "Hmm... Ok."

"The names Seijin."

"Seijin...? Well, let's go!" Konan started down the hallway, Seijin following closely behind. Once she was out of earshot, Pein knocked on the closet door.

"Zetsu? It's ok now, Konan left with Mr. Fire. He won't be visiting today."

Timidly, the closet door opened to reveal a scared-shitless Zetsu.

"**Good... That bitch better not come back..."**

_"I'm scared, Leader-sama..."_

Pein looked grim. "It's ok, we all are afraid of her sometimes..."

0000000000000000000000000000000000000

Minutes after the Zetsu incident, Kakuzu stumbled into the lobby, his hand clutching the back of his skull.

"Oh, hi Kakuzu-san! Are you ok, un?"

"Y-yeah... my head hurts like a bitch though..."

Deidara frowned, obviously feeling for the miser. Sasori then asked, "Have you seen Hidan? He stormed off like thirty minutes ago..."

Kakuzu looked kind of frightened. "I saw him, well at least I thought I did... I think he was making out with a wall..."

Sasori looked relieved. "Yeah, you saw him."

00000000000000000000000000000000000000

**(1) "Your not questioning me like you did with Mushiku so you could knock me out with a sedative then lock me in a closet." XD**

**(2) Usoda or Uso da, I'm not too sure which is correct, means "lies" or "you're lying" in Japanese. If anyone could tell me which one is the correct form, please tell me, I don't want to look like a 'tard...well, more than I already am. XD**

**Should I write a FMA oneshot between Ed and Al? I want to, and I got a good idea... hehehe... Should I also post my only yuri fanfic? I want some opinions people!**


	6. No Cookies During Raping Hours

**Ok everyone, here is another chapter of Akatsuki Therapy! I have to ask you not to leave any reviews asking to be in the fic for awhile. I need time to fit everyone else before I get to the newbies.**

I NEED MORE PEOPLE TO VOTE ON MY POLL! CHECK IT OUT ON MY PAGE! GAHHHH!! XDDD

This chapter is pretty short. Contains mentioned rape, cookies, and the viewing of Prime Time yaoi.

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, The Akatsuki, Junjou Romantica, YouTube, or The Little Mermaid.

_Akatsuki__ Therapy_

The day was over. The Akatsuki Therapy clinic had closed for the day and it was time for all of them to go home. Everyone had gone home and each and every senior citizen was tucked into their bed except for Pein and Konan. Konan was picking up the empty Milano wrappers. She sighed to herself.

Pein turned to the blue-haired woman. "What's wrong, Konan?"

She looked at the Leader and grimaced. "I just can't believe I had to knock out Seijin and throw him into the closet with the rest of the crazies." Pein chuckled and patted her on the shoulder.

"It's ok, you had to calm him down some how." She thought for a bit. "Yeah... I guess you're right."

Earlier that day, Seijin had worked his way into a rampage. It all started when he was out of cigarettes, then it escalated when he found out he couldn't buy any in the senior center.

Seijin had begun to pick up chairs and smash them into the white walls, hitting them harder when Konan had told him to calm down. In the end, all she could do was knock him out with a conveniently located baseball bat and drag him into the Closet of Death.

With that said, the two left the building and ventured on home together.

0000000000000000000000000000000000000

Under the sea, under the sea  
Darlin' it's better  
Down where it's wetter,  
Take it from me

Kisame yawned as he tossed in his bed. His favorite lullaby tape was softly humming at his bedside, slowly making his eyes droop closer and closer to sleep. After another five minutes of his Little Mermaid tape, the fish finally drifted into a peaceful slumber.

00000000000000000000000000000000000000

Outside a certain fish's room, a darkened figure laughed maniacally while tapping a pipe wrench softly into the palm of their hand.

"Hehehe... This is gonna be fun."

00000000000000000000000000000000000000

Sono te hanasanaide hanasanaide  
Boku ga sobani iru kara  
Donna toki demo waratte waratte  
Hana wo sakasete yo

"Deidara! It's starting, hurry your ass up!" Sasori yelled from the bed. A moment later, Deidara stumbled into the bedroom, his hands holding a massive bowl of popcorn. Jumping down next to his Danna, the two began watching their favorite prime time yaoi, Junjou Romantica. Sasori started to eat the popcorn as Deidara stared at the screen with intense blue eyes.

Sasori looked over at the blonde. "Hey, what do you think's going to happen to Misaki and Usagi? Do you think they're gonna break up?"

Deidara gave his lover a "WTF" face. "Uh, hell no, Danna! If they break up, that means no more sex, un! If there ain't sex, it ain't yaoi, un."

The redhead chuckled. "You're absolutely right."

000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Kisame awoke when a loud crash erupted from his window. He flew his gaze over to the window and saw a tall figure holding a pipe wrench in their hands.

He sqeaked at the intruder.

The shadow laughed and said, "Say hello to mah little friend, bitch..."

000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Sasori and Deidara had long stopped watching Junjou Romantica as soon as Miyagi pretty much raped Shinobu, then Shinobu started to cry. That instantly turned the two ninja on. Typical horny bastards.

Sasori had straddled Deidara and gazed down at him with a sexy smirk. "I think I might rape you, Dei-chan."

Deidara glowed at the statement. "Yay, un! But before that, we have to get some cookies!"

"What for?" Sasori was getting all these inappropriate thoughts with what his blond wanted to do with cookies. Naughty Sasori.

"For me! I'm hungry, un!"

He sighed and flicked the blonde's head. "That's it, no cookies. You can have them later."

"Oh, crud muffins..."

000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Kisame had the blankets up to his eyes as he shook with fear.

"W-who in the h-hell are you?"

The shadow laughed evilly before walking into the light provided by Kisame's nightlight. His Dora the Explorer nightlight.

The intruder was revealed to be a teenage girl. Her curly brown hair was pulled into a tight ponytail.

"Holy crap... you're a chick."

The girl gave him a dirty look. "Hey! My name is Aley FYI, and so what if I'm just a 'chick?' Girls can't be bad-ass?"

Kisame was completely put off guard. "Um..."

Aley reached a hand into her backpack and grabbed a rope. She smiled.

"Time for some quality time therapy, Kisame."

Said fish started to cry again as Aley walked over to him, the same evil glint shining in her brown eyes.

Within moments, Kisame was tied to the bed; he was as helpless as they come.

Aley smiled at her handiwork, grinning at how well the ropes secured his body so he couldn't budge an inch.

Kisame was still whimpering. She folded her arms and sighed. "Won't you shut up? It's not like I'm going to rape your ass, fishcake."

Kisame only whimpered more.

00000000000000000000000000000000000000

Konan yawned, her dark eyes drooping slightly. Moving the computer mouse, she exited the window and shut off her laptop. She had just finished uploading the Hidan video onto YouTube, then shared it with all of her contacts not only on Youtube but everyone on her e-mail as well. Smiling to herself, she went to bed.

"Hm... I wonder how many hits it's gonna get...?"

00000000000000000000000000000000000000

"Give it back you motherfucking heathen!" Hidan growled angrily as Kakuzu grasped the Jashinist's rosary tight in his tanned fist.

Kakuzu smirked back at his room mate. Since Hidan was broke shitless, Kakuzu allowed the priest to stay in his house for awhile until he could afford a place of his own. This arrangement had been going on for about two weeks.

"Well, Hidan, if you say one thing for me, I might be nice."

Hidan's eyes formed angered slits. "Hell no!"

The grip tightened on the rosary, a small cracking noise echoing from the miser's hand. The priest's face fell.

"Fine... what is it?" He crossed his arms and pouted, waiting for Kakuzu's request.

Retrieving a notepad from his pocket (I have no fucking clue why a notepad is in his pocket but whatever...) and started to scribble a quick sentence down on the yellow note. Handing it over, Hidan read the messy handwriting aloud:

"'I won a math debate'... what the hell does that mean? I don't remember fucking debating on anything, you fucking shithead!"

Kakuzu just started laughing his ass off, actually falling to the floor. "H-Hidan, the bathroom's over there...! Hahaaha!"

Confused, Hidan reread the note. "I won a math debate... I won a math debate... I won a- OH FUCK YOU!!" Hidan, in a rage, stormed out of the room, his rosary completely forgotten.

Kakuzu's chuckles died down after awhile before saying, and rather OC-ishly, "LOL, Hidan said 'I wanna masturbate."

0000000000000000000000000000000000000000

**"Oh yeah, baby... don't be shy..."**

"C'mon, sweety... we won't bite."

Zetsu was reading his garden porn again in his ditch he made in the garden. It was the best plant pornography on the market, I mean, seriously, it showed the ROOTS of the plants. Now that's DEAD SEXY.

Tobi meanwhile was washing the grass with a bottle of cleaner when he somehow sprayed it in his eyehole.

"Help! Tobi is being attacked!"

Rolling on the floor, he rammed into Zetsu and ripped the prized porn.

**"You imbicile! Look what you have done!"  
**  
"Why did you do that, Tobi-kun...?"

"Meow!"

**"Oh for the love of God, why us?"  
**  
000000000000000000000000000000000000000

"Oh Kisame! I'm so scared people will think I'm weird when I start high school! I don't know what to do!" Aley sobbed into Kisame's shoulder. Kisame allowed it since he was bound to the chair and couldn't move a single muscle to stop her.

He rolled his eyes. "I wonder WHY?"

Aley slapped his face. "Shut up."

"Yes, mommy."

She giggled a bit, then broke out into her anguish filled tears. "WHY?"

Kisame folded his hands under his body, smirking evilly to himself.

"Hey, Aley... I know how you could erase that stereotype from everyone's minds."

Her face instantly glowed. "How, Kisame?!"

Shark teeth gleaming, he yelled out, "BOOT TO THE HEAD!"

SMACK!

Aley laid unconscious on the carpet, a bruise starting to form on her milky skin that covered her neck. Behind her body, a doppleganger of Kisame stood. A random boot lay next to the captor.

The shark nin sighed in relief. "Thank god for ninjutsu."

"Oh my god, a giant rock!"

Kisame deadpanned. "What did I tell you about making Yu-Gi-Oh! Abridged references during screen time?"

"Screw the rules, I have money!"

"Damn..."

0000000000000000000000000000000000

The next morning, the entire organization showed up at the senior center tired and groggy. Konan was sipping her latte contently.

"How was everyone's night?"

All the Akatsukians groaned at the memories. All except Sasori, he had a smile stretched wide enough on his face to make Tobi seem emo.

"So Sasori, how was your night?"

"I raped someone!"

"Good for you, hunny."

000000000000000000000000000000000000

**Thanks to my beta, _daydrifter, _for doing her best to make this fic as super, special, and awesome as it is!**

**I just want you all to know that I will update later than I usually do because of the heathen asylum known as school... Grr...**

**And remember, NO REVIEWS REGARDING TO BE IN THE STORY, only ones that tell me I'm a damn good author. XDDD **


End file.
